Monday, May 24, 2010

Already

I got a response to my Craigslist ad. Here's the first one-


Christina B-----t to pers-zfxcs-175. show details 2:37 PM (31 minutes ago)
Images are not displayed.Display images below - Always display images from chrissy-----@yahoo.com

Hi -
First off, I'm not on the leaner side. Let's just put that out there. I know....I know....I hate people who can't follow directions too. And yet, here I am. I'm desperate. I've attached a pic, see what you think. And if you want to reply, maybe we can both stop hating the weekends.
Christina




For comic relief, mostly

I updated my last posting on Craigslist. I don't expect anything legitimate from it. I expect messages from skanks sending me faceless pics containing breasts and vaginas, telling me they enjoy sex, instead of what I'm looking for- replies from respectable Christian women, looking for a good Christian man to meet and get to know.

A friend told me she tried match.com and found no one, but she posted on Craigslist and found her husband. They're happy. She swears by Craigslist, but every time I update my posting, I get emails from the skanky-types above, with requests to reply to an email address different from the one they used to respond to my Craigslist posting.

Within hours, the skank emails will arrive...
"AGCasey,

Here are your newest matches.

Your New Mutual Matches. We were unable to deliver any Mutual Matches to you today. To ensure you receive the best possible matches, please create your free profile or update the one you already have, and double-check that you haven’t been too restrictive with your matching criteria."

This is the email I've been getting in my in-box every day, for a week now after signing up with Match.com.

As a result, every day I make it even less restrictive, but there are some things I'm looking for that I refuse to change; she needs to believe in God, and she has to want kids. I would prefer that she be a black woman, but I can be flexible in that regard.

Soon, Match.com will force me to at least have her to be alive and breathing before they match me up with someone.

The first week of my membership with Match.com, I was getting what they call my Daily 5, and Mutual Matches daily, but not one of them was whom I was looking for. I had to call them to ask why they were sending me profiles of women that were Mormons or Atheists, or those who smoke, or didn't want kids, or who stated in their profile that they were looking for men 6' or taller, or lean, or up to age 35 or 40, or women who haven't accessed their profile in a year. It is so frustrating. Now that they've 'fixed' it, I'm not getting any leads at all. And this is the first month of the 6 month plan that I had to pay in advance. :(

Friday, May 14, 2010

Melanie

All I wanted, long term, was to, one day, be a happily married man with children. That’s all I wanted-what I still want. Nothing flashy. No bells and whistles. I want a wife who can’t wait until I get home so I can make dinner,, daughters to show me what they learned that day in ballet, and a son to throw the football with while dinner is in the oven. But it all starts with dating. Baby steps…

Friends tell me that I should write a book about my dating experiences. If I did, it would be called Mis- Adventures in Dating, with the name of each woman as the title of the chapter.

This chapter would be titled “Melanie” (her name changed for her protection)

Melanie sought me out through the Daily 5: on Match.com, we’re given a maximum of 5 members that the company’s computer thinks would be a good match based on ideals we seek in the opposite sex. I showed up on her list about a week ago. I’ve only been a member of the site for 2 weeks, so any opinion I have about the site would be premature. Suffice it to say, what is most important is how honest one is with their questionnaire. For example, with the political question, we both chose Middle of The Road. I was honest with my answer. Mostly my views are liberal, however I have some views that are slightly conservative. She was either dishonest with her answer, or she truly thinks that being a Tea Party supporter is considered Middle of The Road.

That’s right. I found out, on the eve before our date that she was a Tea Party supporter, and, I’m going to create a new word here—a Palinophile. That’s right. She loves Sarah Palin, and all things Sarah Palin. I found out during our date that she loves John Mc Cain as well. But that’s not even the shocking part- all this wouldn’t have been much of a surprise if she was blonde haired and blue eyed, but, get this- the woman was black! That’s right. She was a bona fide sista. Not sister, but a sistah. Granted, we’re not monolithic in our political or other leanings, and because she’s a sista doesn’t mean she’s a Democrat, but come on! What has the Tea party done for me lately? I’d be interested in knowing what she thought the party had done or could be done for her.

I debated whether I should even go through with the date. I took a survey today, and all but one of my friends said I should go. So upon thinking about going through with the date, I wondered how not to think about the elephant in the room. What came to mind when she told me about her support of the Tea Party were those posters and signs of President Obama with a hitler moustache, or looking like the Joker, or the pictures of President Obama looking like an African savage with a bone in the nose, on signs saying ‘go back to Kenya.’ How was I going to talk around the issue? I have to admit that I agreed to go on with the date because despite her obvious insanity , she was Sanaa Lathan-pretty’, and I am sorely in need of female companionship!

Well, I didn’t have to avoid the issue. She beat me to it, and this was how it went:

Melanie: Hi Alieux, you look just like your picture.

Me: Thanks (assuming that’s a compliment since I was in her Daily 5 and she sought me out), and you look even better than your pictures.

Melanie: Thanks, I forgot to ask, during our conversations. Please tell me you’re not an Obama supporter.

Me: I am, very much so.

(Suddenly I can feel a chill in the air)

Melanie: Oh my God, No! No! You seemed so intelligent. You’re really a fan of that Communist Nazi?

Me: And speaking of intelligence, (laughing) Communism is to the left and a Nazism is to the right, like saying "Democrat-Republican" it just makes no sense. That would make a person the mortal enemy of him/her self. Do you even know the definition of those 2 words?

Melanie: Don’t you see what he’s doing to our country?

Me: Yes, and I love it.

Melanie: I’m scared of him. In fact, I don't know what scares me more--NObama in the White House, or just knowing the lemmings that are jumping headfirst over the cliff live and work right here in America. It's like I'm on a different planet.

Me: You NEED to be scared of the conservatives who have screwed up this country's finances, got us in another quagmire of a war, attacked our civil liberties, stacked our courts with right-wing ideologues and ignored our infrastructure. That's who you should be scared of.

Melanie: Get off NObama’s nuts, and put the blame where it belongs.

Me: By the way, you are on a different planet. Where was your fear when Bush was fucking the country up? Did you have your head in the sand back then too? President Obama said there will be hard sacrifices ahead. People expected him to come in and overnight everything will be fixed. But your man Bush tore this country to shreds, economically. President Obama, Not NObama, said it may take years to get back on track.

Melanie: Back on track from where?

Me: From when Clinton left office.

Melanie: (mocking Bill Clinton) I did not have sexual relations with that woman (she laughs).

Me: During President Bill Clinton's years in office, the United States experienced the longest period of economic expansion on record. Check it out. Google it. Under Ronald Reagan and the two Bushes, America lost manufacturing jobs, experienced increased deficits, and suffered from either decreases or minimal increases in real wages per capita. Check that out too.

Melanie: I uh , uh… NObama only won ‘cause he was black. That’s the only reason why you voted for him.

Me: He won because he was the most intelligent of the two. And I would never vote for someone based on race. To reiterate, Bush fucked the hell outta this country. We needed someone intelligent. Someone with some brain-power. Look at McCain. He couldn’t distance himself from Bush far enough, while Bush was trying to help him win. He actually helped him lose.

Melanie: (looking like a dear caught in the headlights) Sarah Palin - 2012. Get ready for it. That’s all I gotta say.

Me: You haven’t said much in defense of anything you said.

Melanie: Did you come prepared to argue with me or are you always an asshole?

Me: I'm never an asshole. You get your mis-information from Fox News . I know the truth. I like refuting people like you who go along with what people say without finding out the truth for yourself. And speaking of lemmings—

Melanie: Damn why can't I find a black man that shares my political views?

Me: I need to ask, are your family tea party supporters?

Melanie: My parents and my brothers won't even talk to me. They haven't talked to me since I voted for George W Bush both times. Why can't I find a black man that shares my political views? I don't understand it. NObama's got all you black folk brainwashed, but he aint got the wool over my eyes.

Me: Are we on candid camera or something, 'cause this is too surreal. Girl, you are living in some alternate universe. For real

Melanie: What do you mean?

Me: You're not going to find a black man that supports Sarah Palin and the tea party, if that's what you're looking for, then you should have stated in your profile that you're looking for an Uncle Tom or a house nigger, neither of which I am, sorry to disappoint you. I'm not going to waste another second. Bye.

Then I left the restaurant, went home and wrote this up.

I'm glad I asked my friends what questions I should ask her. I researched the answers to those questions and others in preparation for a potential debate.

I'm thinking, how could our previous conversations have shown so much promise, so much potential? Prior to her telling me, the evening before the date, before she told me how she had gotten into an argument with an Obama supporter who was angry that she had put a tea party pamphlet on his car, I was telling myself, "Alieux, don't fuck this up."

I don't know what else to say.